Sometimes it is serendipity. As I resume blogging, I sometimes struggle with a topic. I have been thinking about our fractured world, especially in the US. When I entered my office, a book was beside my desk. It had fallen off the nearby bookshelf.
There it was—the inspiration: Choosing Civility: The Twenty-Five Rules of Considerate Conduct by P.M. Forni. I read it in 2014 at the request of the Resident Council President, Phyl Lansing. She encouraged all the Council members to read it. As residents in a continuing care retirement community, we felt the world-wide tensions of racial inequality, police brutality, political divisions, and global crises happening that year,
In 2025, we’re dealing with a lot of tension, with heated debates, people feeling disconnected online, and public rudeness rising. P.M. Forni’s book is like a must-read for anyone wanting to bring back some humanity in how we interact, whether face-to-face or online. Even though it first hit the shelves in 2002, Forni’s book is more than just an etiquette guide; it dives into civility, which he describes as “the art of cultivating respectful relationships to be good community members.”
The Rules
1. Pay Attention
2. Acknowledge Others
3. Think the Best
4. Listen
5. Be Inclusive
6. Speak Kindly
7. Don’t Speak Ill
8. Accept and Give Praise
9. Respect Even a Subtle “No”
10. Respect Others’ Opinions
11. Mind Your Body
12. Be Agreeable
13. Keep it Down (and Rediscover Silence)
14. Respect Other People’s Time
15. Respect Other People’s Space
16. Apologize Earnestly
17. Assert Yourself
18. Avoid Personal Questions
19. Care for Your Guests
20. Be a Considerate Guest
21. Think Twice Before Asking for Favors
22. Refrain from Idle Complaints
23. Accept and Give Constructive Criticism
24. Respect the Environment and Be Gentle to Animals
25. Don’t Shift Responsibility and Blame
Civility Antidote for Digital Alienation
Although the book is 23 years old, it is more relevant today as an antidote to digital alienation. We are more attached to our phones than ever, and social media algorithms have seemed to amplify conflict and diminish nuance, which is lost with no face-to-face communication.
“Good relationships make our lives good.” In choosing civility, we choose to rebuild those relationships—and in doing so, rediscover the best of ourselves. ” – P.M. Forni